Ikaw na Sumandal sa Akin

Oo, ikaw. Ikaw kuya na may glasses at naka-polo na white na mahimbing na natutulog at naka-sandal sa akin sa loob ng UV Express van pauwi ng Cavite. Ang payapa siguro ng araw mo no kaya ang payapa rin ng mukha mo habang natutulog sa balikat ko. Hindi naman ikaw ang unang tao at lalaki na sumandal sa akin habang bina-baybay ng barumbadong van driver ang ma-traffic na kalsada ng Maynila. Marami na kayo at sanay na ako. Pero kuya bakit ngayon pa. Bakit ngayong araw na to na para bang ang bigat-bigat ng mundo, dumagdag ka pa, edi wow. Kung gising ka lang, sana napansin mong iba ang tunog ng singhot ko, hindi yung tipong may sipon lang kundi singhot ng taong hirap sa kakaiyak.

Pag-tungtong pa lang ng van mapula na ang mga mata ko sa kakaiyak habang naglalakad papuntang terminal. Pasalamat na lang ako at gabi na at hindi bukas ang ilaw ng van kaya’t hindi mo siguro nakita ang malulungkot kong mga mata. Pero sana nga nakita mo na rin para naman nahiya kang sumandal at dumagdag sa aking pasanin di ba.

Siguro masaya ka ngayong araw na to? Pagod—-obviously, pero masaya. Siguro kaka-hire mo lang at yang magandang white polo mo ang nagdala. Ako rin may raket. Kahit freelance work to, feeling ko first job ko na rin to alam mo ba? Pero yun na nga ang problema, unang sabak ko to. Wala pa kong masyadong alam, inexperienced, baguhan at madalas nagmumukhang tatanga-tanga. Hindi ko naman sinasadayang ganon ang mangyari. I try my very best to avoid it. Pero ganon talaga eh pag bago sayo ang lahat. Sino ba ang hindi?

Ngayong araw lang akong umiyak nang ganito, pagbiyan mo na ako. Nawala ako sa comfort zone ko eh. Sobrang laking adjustment ang ginagawa ko. Alam mo ba yung adult world anxiety? Parang kelan lang ang secured ng buhay ko sa school knowing na marami akong masasandal tulad ng pamilya, kaibigan at kahit na mga propesor. Pero sa real world, para kang sinabak sa arena na kahit tinuruan ka namang lumaban, hindi pa rin sapat dahil first time mo nga, hindi mo pa nasusubukan kung kaya mo ba talaga. Kala ko ang galing galing ko na nung nasa unibersidad ako. Kala ko isa ko sa mga kakaiba. Pero sa mas malaking mundo ng matatanda, isa ka lang bagong mukha na maraming akala. Bawat mali ko na nagawa sa trabaho ay naging dahilan para isara ng boss ko sa mukha ko ang pinto at yang mga mali na yan ang bagahe na dala ko pauwi ngayong gabi.

Sana wala kang dala-dalang kaparehong bitbitin. Pero mga ilang araw mula ngayon ganito rin ang magiging sitwasyon mo; parang tangang umiiyak sa loob ng madilim na van habang ang lahat ay payapang natutulog at malamang ay nasa alapaap na. Maari ring mali ako at mas mabigat pa ang problema mo sa akin ngayon at maaring mali rin ako na iyakan ang ganitong problema na kumpara sa problema ng iba ay mukhang butil lang ng bigas. Pero hayaan mo na ako. Ngayon lang. Magiging okay din ako.

Kaya sige sumandal ka lang. Kaya ko naman siguro ang bigat. Hindi na rin naman ito siguro magtatagal, dahil ilang minuto na lang ay matatapos na ang byahe, bababa ako at bababa ka na. Matatapos din ang lahat.

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To You Who Could’ve Been My Friend

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I’m sorry it has to come to this point where I needed to write everything I did not say and post it somewhere you may possibly never see. I’m sorry I did not try to catch up to you after that nice walk after school where you talked about Harry Potter with me. I’m sorry that I only like your posts and never comment and gush about it that could have end up to a chat. I’m sorry I pretended that I did not care every time you took notice of my posts on the other hand. I’m sorry I only tried to get to know you in a virtual world that both of us could’ve cross beyond.

I’m sorry that I did not show how much I wanted to be your friend. You’re smart, hippy and you appreciate people. I like what you like and imagine the conversations and emotions that could’ve existed and that could’ve brought us to another world if I just had the courage to tell you that. I’m sorry I was intimidated by you. I never looked at you directly when you talk to me. I’m sorry I pretended that I did not see. I’m sorry I did not say hi when you passed by. I’m sorry I never complimented how you dress when you really nail it at times. I’m sorry I only let you borrow books a few times and never even asked what you think about it afterwards. I’m sorry I tried to skip watching that movie when I heard that you were going at the same time.

I’m sorry I always felt like I needed to compete with you. I’m sorry that I did not say that I try to do well in everything I do because I want you to compliment me every time. I’m sorry I seemed like I was always on the run when you’re there. I’m sorry I never calmed down and just stayed for a while. I’m sorry we never had adventures together. I’m sorry we were never Harry and Hermione, Charlie and Sam, Sherlock and Watson, Patrick and Pete, Han and Chewy, or Sam and Frodo.

I’m sorry I was afraid we could have gone beyond. I’m sorry I misjudged. I’m sorry I was scared of what we could have been. I’m sorry I only imagined this friendship. I’m sorry that we could’ve been great but we never were. I’m sorry I think that it is too late and I never want to make up for it anymore. I’m sorry I’m giving up before even starting. I’m sorry for finally putting an end to a non-existing beginning.

I’m sorry I say sorry too much. I never wanted to do anything that will make me say “sorry.” You don’t know how much I hate it whenever I had to say it. But for you and for the first and last time, I’ll say it.

I’m sorry, to you, who could’ve been my friend.

Alone in the House and a Few Pre-Graduation Thoughts

My friends only like to talk about two things right now:

  1. The past
  2. And the future

Do you remember that time during the first days of college when you have a different set of friends but then some backstabbing and I-don’t-like-what-they’re-doing moments happened and you jumped to another clique? Or that time when your team has beaten all teams in this class and they all envied you and your friends? We like talking about proud moments like that, don’t we? Then we start liking and commenting on old and usually embarrassing photos of our friends so that it’ll show up to other people’s feed and suddenly everyone turns it into a bandwagon!

You see, I have more time now to scroll down on my Twitter or Facebook home and everyone is in a nostalgic state about the past. We all love that “good sad” feeling, don’t we? Yeah it’s great. No matter if it’s a good or bad memory, we like looking back at it because of this relief and somehow proud feeling that we all went through it now. We’ve done it! Like how you’ve survived thesis with all that small and petty arguments or even that unexpected nod from the panelists. What’s important is it’s done!

As your thought finishes at that word, “done,” you now shift to the things “to be done” next. The things to do in the future! You start thinking and planning on looking for a job or applying for SSS, Phil health and other requirements of being an “adult.” Yes, they say you’re an adult the moment you get your diploma. You’re supposed to take care of yourself and plan for your future now. Then you look at the more exciting part where you can do things on your own like maybe traveling. You start enumerating the places you’d go to like, “Before 30, I should have gone to Korea, Japan, Macau, Australia or France.” Or maybe start pursuing that passion of yours that you’ve set aside because mama told you to finish a “good” course in college first. But hey guess what? JUST SLOW DOWN. If there’s anything I’d like to talk or think about right now, is exactly what’s in front of me, the “present” I’ve got right now.

I did not expect to have a perspective like this just as graduation looms. I always thought that I’d be all about who I was and who I will be. Academic stuff are all officially done now and I’m just literally waiting for the graduation day. Some of my classmates are fretting about getting a job they like and I did so too for two or three positions but it all asked me to officially graduate first before they even decide if they’ll get me. So I’ve decided I’ll take advantage of this time when I could just have fun and catch up to some TV shows. I guessed that there’s no rush. These days are like my reward for four years of stress and hard work and a re-charging moment before I go on to a gazillion years of, again—-stress and hard work. It’s a moment for me to give attention to what I have right now and not for getting nostalgic about what I used to have and or worry about what I will have.

I’m actually having a great time. One thing about doing nothing and worrying about nothing is that it makes you more observant and appreciative of even the tiniest things around you which used to be drowned by the “bigger things.” Before, I did not understand what it’s really like to stay at home all day and wait until your family gets home at night but now as I experience it, the sound of the gate clicking as someone comes home becomes a pure pleasure to me. Then there’s their pure joy when they smell cooking after a tiring day.

I’ve also become so concerned about the daily maintenance of the house. As I stare at it all day, I appreciated how it became my protection and sanctuary for many years and I’ve decided it also deserves a reward. I tended to it like never before. I gave our room a new look and it feels so refreshing like it’s ready for my new life. I also water the plants on the surroundings and talked to them often these days. I swear they look so happy like as if they missed seeing me water them. I’ve been so caught up with enjoying the bigger world out there that I did not even notice that there’s a new Calamansi tree just along the pathway towards the entrance of our house. It’s full of big and fresh Calamansi and I didn’t even know that we don’t buy Calamansi anymore because of that tree. I personally picked its fruits and thanked it silently.

I’ve been assessing relationships lately as well. I realized you’ll know if a person will stay in your life even after graduation if you’re able to talk to them even if there’s no school involved anymore. I’ve decided who among them are around just because they were required to do things with me and of course those who’ll make an effort to do something…just anything…maybe they’ll message you and invite you to something…you know…. because they really plan to stick around for a really long time. Those are two different kinds of people. I know that now.

As I deal with these little things I discovered a lot about myself. I never realized how I love little things now that I have more time for them like the music playing from our neighbor or that good view of the village from our rooftop. Now I realize that I like the idea of giving importance to the little things in the stories that I write as well. Some of the other things I discovered about myself these past few days are:

  • I love the idea of creating stories for children and watching films for children triggered that.
  • I prefer classic books than young adult novels. Thank God I read The Great Gatsby a few days ago.
  • I’m single because I love Leonardo DiCaprio so much. No explanation needed.
  • I love songs about finding one self, therefore, I conclude that I’m still lost. I’m creating a playlist for that right now.
  • I’m not so much of a “friends” person (does that makes sense?) because I don’t feel nostalgic at all about not being with them on a daily basis anymore. I’ve been thinking about that lately I swear.

I have a lot more discoveries about myself that I’d rather not share anymore; too personal as I may say. You see, my point here is before you could move on from the past and prepare for the future, you should take advantage of the in between stage, the breathing stage, where you could find yourself again. Sufficient knowledge and understanding of one’s self could be your best tool in facing the world around you.

This is an important phase in your life and it is ending now, as you go on to the next phase, re-discover the essence of your spark. Do it in every major changes in your life. Never forget to re-discover the essence of your spark.

LIDER: BIG WORD!!!

Lider? BIG WORD!!! Yan yung gustong gusto mo nung grade one kaso nakuha ni klasmeyt na maputi with matching braids and headband kay yaya. Yan din yung hindi mo pa rin makuha nung grade four kasi hindi ka kasama sa highest sa math, sa honor roll, sa hallway drum roll o sa kahit anong nagsasabing matalino’t kilala ka. Siyempre yan din yung hindi mo talaga makukuha nung first year high school kasi new girl in town ka, yung tipong nasa gilid lang, napapanisan ng laway at madalas solo flight sa lunch. Pero yan yung sinabi mo sa sarili mo na kahit once gusto mo maranasan kaya nag-aral ka, kumayod, nagsunog ng kilay, buhok sa ilong, sa kili kili at kung ano ano pa kaya CHANCHARARAN! Naging lider din sa wakas!

Kaso nga lang yan yung hindi nagpatulog sayo ng ilang araw kasi feeling mo wala kang kwenta, mas karapatdapat si bestfriend kasi mas malakas loob niya. At yan yung sabi ni teacher na mabigat na pasanin mabigat pa kaysa sa school bag mong mukhang pang camping bag. Kaya dapat daw malakas ka kung gusto mo talaga. May tiwala ka sa sarili mo na sasabihin mong “When I accept that I can’t be perfect, that’s when it becomes lighter.” Kaya ngayon yan yung ginagawa mo na ng ilang taon at thank God consistent naman ang katamaran ng groupmates mo kaya sayo na inaasa ang lahat.

Yan yung sa tagal mo nang ginagawa, napagtanto mo na hindi yan yung inaabuso. Na kung nakakapagsalita lang yang salitang yan, sisigaw yan ng RAPE! Kasi hindi yan pinagsasamantalahan. Hindi yan yung nakatira ka sa Makati at mamimigay ka ng cake ngunit may kaakibat na nakaw (If you know what I mean). Hindi rin yan yung nagmumukhang tanga na yung mga kasamahan mong nag-rarally sa EDSA at natutulog sa kalsada habang ikaw ay naka-higa sa King size bed mo’t malayo na sa alapaap. Kaya hangga’t bata ka pa, ayaw mong tumulad sa kanila. Kaya nga pinagbubutihan mo palang sa ekswela ngayon di ba? Kasi yan yung isang maling galaw mo lang isisi na sayo kung ano man ang lumabas sa classcard nila. Kaya nga dumating din yung panahong gusto mo na palang bitawan kasi nga ikaw na lahat nag-abano, gumawa, tumapos, sana pala nag one man team ka na lang diba? Yan kasi talaga yung ikaw yung tatanggap ng lahat ng bad vibes ng bawat miyembro ng grupo. Yung tipong, napuyat daw sila kunwari o kaya’y nag-away daw sila ni mudra niya kaya di makakapunta sa life and death urgent meeting… so ikaw ngayon ang may kasalanan niyan?

Yan rin pala yung nagturo sayo magmura kasi ********* mo, ang tanga mo para magpagamit sa mga walang pangarap sa buhay. Tapos biglang nung sumigaw ka na sa bundok na “WALANG HIMALA!” Bigla namang dumating sa eksena yung tipo ng mga kasamahang masarap pamunuan. Kasi ramdam mo na hindi ka nag-iisa. Na ang lider pala ay hindi nag-iisa. Na kaya palang magtulungan. Na ang sarap pala maging lider kapag maayos din ang pinamumunuan. Kasi napagtanto mo na to make things work, hindi lang lahat nakaasa sayo. Lahat tayo, kayo, dapat pare-pareho, nakikisama, nakiki-elam, tumutulong, gumagalaw. Basta ang pagiging lider, yan yung nakuha mo, binitiwan mo, pero tulad ng pag-ibig, sa huli gustong maging forever mo basta paninindigan mo para sa mga tamang tao.

To The Person I miss But Won’t Admit

I just woke up one day and felt like I wanted to tell you a lot of things. Things that concern you, things that doesn’t. Feelings that come randomly, emotions that suck me. Life is easy but it feels empty. No….life is weird. It can’t be defined by one emotion or feeling. It’s ever changing. One day you feel fine, one day you’re not. It comes and it goes. That’s what you taught me. One moment you’re there and then another you’re gone. It doesn’t know how to stay, it wasn’t born like that. You weren’t born like that, the person I imagined. But I still lie about you. Lie about not wanting what I wanted you to be, what I wanted you to do for me, what I wanted you to do with me. I hope you don’t know that. I guess I’m still scared about what you can do to me, if not I won’t be this defensive. But you say feelings come and go. I miss you but one day I would forget that I ever did so.

-The Pathetic