A Letter to Fans from Another Fan

You are a fan and you don’t own your idols.

I am not addressing this to the entirety of the population of fans out there, but just to those who seem to be confused about what being a true fan really means.

The Cambridge Dictionary says a fan is someone who admires and supports a person, sport, sports team, etc. The Oxford Dictionaries defines it as a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular person or thing. None of these definitions says a fan can dictate what his or her idol should do and who that idol should be.

You don’t have the right to because you don’t own them; like how you don’t own Taylor Swift, the favourite love-and-hate talk of the town. If you’re a real fan, you’re not one of those people telling her to stop dating men she likes, stop writing what she feels and what she thinks and just stay being America’s sweetheart when clearly she’s done being your good little girl. Recently, Swift released her long-anticipated and most biting album yet, Reputation, and along with it is a note to the fans talking about how it has been being in the public eye and mentioning how ‘her mistakes have been used against her, her heartbreaks have been used as entertainment, and her songwriting has been trivialised as oversharing.’ She has been in our lives since she was 15 that some of us may feel like we own part of hers. But then again, we don’t. No one can control any other people’s lives but themselves; like how Finn Wolfhard has the control over his life on his own and his alone. The 14-year-old Stranger Things actor was recently called out by fans for not greeting them outside his hotel. As Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner puts it, it does not matter if he’s an actor, he’s a kid first before that and he should be able to ‘grow without feeling like he owes anyone anything for living his childhood dreams.’ Meanwhile locally, actress Maine Mendoza wrote an open letter to fans in November 2017 asking for freedom.

Every one of us, whether you are an actor or not, feel like we need space at some point and we should all be understanding enough if that’s what the person wants. We all have our own selfishness and actors are not an exemption to that. They would want to be away from the screaming and flashing cameras from time to time and no one should ever criticize them for wanting that just because they are public figures. Yes, fans put them to where they are right now and are the reason why they are able to do what they want and earn money at the same time. We as fans buy their albums, concert tickets, stream their shows online and or pay for other merchandises that they put out. However, we should be reminded that it is their art/work, which they have invested in so much, that we are buying and not them nor their lives. We should not act like we can demand to interfere in their personal lives, and if not allowed, we criticize them until they are emotionally drained and are in ruins. If you want some of their time, then go to their fan meetings, shows, and or other official guestings instead of waiting in front of their hotels to invade their privacy. If you are arguing that you don’t have money to buy tickets to shows, matches or what, then that’s your problem. That’s reality and you should work hard to earn some money and see them in their official public appearances if you really want to.

It is time for fans to stop caring too much about the personal lives of their idols. I understand that it is unavoidable for their personal lives to be before the public eye but fans should start it in themselves to realize it should be something we can muse about but not interfere with. We do not know them personally and so we should not bash them for things we may be ill-informed about. Sometimes, I even think it is much better for fans to just care about nothing more than their idols’ work or art. It will be better not only for your idol’s peace of mind but for yours as well. Think before you say or do something that could eventually affect these public figures and most especially do not start a fight and hurt other fans. Before being celebrities and fans, we all are humans first, and as humans, we should always try not to hurt one another.

We should shatter the idea that these are the consequences of being famous and that it comes with their jobs because it isn’t and it shouldn’t. This issue has been around for a long time already and this is definitely not the fault of the advent of the internet, but this problem has obviously been magnified by the social media age. This is bullying and you are not a bully, you are a fan, and that should be enough reason for you to use the power of the internet in reverse to call for a change.

In my own definition, being a fan means supporting your idol in their public endeavours. The key word is support and not bring them down. The word public draws the line between your relationship with your idols. If you want to be beyond that line, then go earn yourself a spot as their friend or what. But if not, then again for those people in the back I will repeat, these public figures’ private lives are something you can muse and be happy or sad about as a fan, but it should never be something you can interfere with. If you still cannot understand this boundary, then maybe you should reassess yourself as a fan and or eventually stop calling yourself as one, if you aren’t really one in the first place.

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Chapter One: Ready, Set, Write

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Sunday afternoon in the company of sunshine in my room, I sit there listening to different kinds of music from old to new, from classical to rock. I’ve got my pen and notebook on my lap. I let the music get into me, into my mind, heart and soul. Then I create a short story based on what I feel right then and there. This simple writing activity has been a routine for me since joining Sir Clodualdo Del Mundo’s script development and writing workshop organized by the Film Development Council in an attempt to nurture the talent of current and aspiring screenwriters.

Sir Doy, as what we call him, is a well-known Filipino screenwriter, director, and author. Some of his famous screenplays are the classics such as Maynila: Sa mga Kuko ng Liwanag, Itim, Kisapmata, and Batch ‘81.

We were required to send a resume for pre-selection of the participants and I swear to God I didn’t actually expect to be chosen. Up to 20 participants was the limit and I told myself there are a lot of good writers out there who already have more advanced experience than me, I’d probably be lucky enough if I even get in the top 50. I heard nothing from FDCP for ten days after I signed up but I kept waiting with a bit of desperate prayers. You just don’t give up your dream that easy. You just don’t.

And then there it was, 10 days before the workshop, I got that congratulatory email saying “You’ve been selected blah blah blah!” Imagine me jumping up and down on my bed!

Now fast forward to August 18, the first day of the two-day workshop, I pretty much entered Cinematheque Manila thinking if I should really be there. You know that self-doubt moments just before important events, well, that happens to me. A lot. Sure thing. But one thing I never do is back out when I’m already there.

Who will be my classmates? Will they be super good? Will I look pathetic? Will I be able to impress them? Is Sir Doy a good teacher? Is he too strict and hard to deal with?

These were the questions filling my mind while biting my lip and patiently waiting for the class to start because apparently, I was too early. Those were nonsense questions that I shouldn’t have bothered myself with because thank God, I realized they were actually nothing to worry about.

Listening to Sir Doy was like listening to my grandpa on the balcony telling old stories. I felt very comfortable learning from him. The first thing he taught us was to write stories that bring out humanity. Stories that affect people, move people, and make them counter things like the prevalent violence and killings everywhere in the world right now. He also pointed out that films should create and not destroy.

Right at that moment I missed being a student. Terribly. Everything felt the same. It’s just that my classmates were not of my age. There were different types of people in that class. A screenwriting professor, a news writer, a founder of a film camp, a television show writer, a simple girl who just writes stories in her bedroom, and many more who have the same writing passion as me. This was actually my first professional writing workshop and it felt surreal being in the same room with people who could understand that writing weirdness others may not.

I’ve always believed that if you have real passion, you don’t need much for other people to like you. That’s why I was already in awe of those people around me despite just meeting them for the first time. I was in awe to learn that screenwriting really has no definite format, you just need to make it easy for the people involved in the film to understand how the story should go, how it should look like and how it should feel like. I was in awe to learn the limitations of a writer; that sometimes you do not have to give too much detail; just let the cast and crew have the creative freedom to interpret the screenplay on their own. I was in awe to realize that you will write and put your heart and soul into every story but not all of them will be turned into film.

That’s okay.

That’s reality.

What’s important is that you are creating something you love and you never know, maybe the right time for it is just yet to come. Stories never grow old anyway.

On our second day, August 25, we read and discussed the short screenplays we developed during the workshop. There were different kinds of stories. There was drama. Comedy. Action. Experimental. Some were deep. Some were just above the surface. Mine was in between. It was the first time I allowed my screenplay to be projected on a white screen for people to read at the same time. I felt kind of naked for a while, but proud afterwards. It was nice to see people talk about your story, your characters, your made-up world and you. I thought it would hurt. But it did not. So you, who’s still afraid to let people see your masterpiece, stop keeping your greatness to yourself and go take the pleasure of learning from the praises and criticisms of your readers. Because why not.

It also helps to think you are great. It makes you open yourself to possibilities. And when your idea of greatness gets shattered afterwards, which has a hundred percent probability by the way, get back up. Find another view of greatness, or maybe, make people see another view of greatness. Writing takes a lot of twist and turns, but it’s very rewarding when you get there.

I’m still on the road and is not yet at my destination. As I get drained, an experience like this is a station stop to get me filled up again. What a nice fuel fill indeed.

Thank you FDCP for initiatives like this that nurture aspiring filmmakers like us. Lastly, thank you Sir Doy for your films, passion and experiences. Thank you for your writing. Thank you for sharing it. I hope to do it as well in time. Again. Thank you.

THIS IS NOT A REVIEW OF LOVE YOU TO THE STARS AND BACK

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As what the title of this article reads, do not expect any expert opinion about the said film. This is me telling you how it felt watching Love You to the Stars and Back as a normal, regular, film viewer. Actually, a film enthusiast. No, actually a sucker for films.

Let’s go back from the very start. There are two reasons why I watched this film, it’s because it is an Antoinette Jadaone film and it has a good promise.

Jadaone is one of the filmmakers I look up to right now with works such as Six Degrees of Separation from Lilia Cuntapay, That Thing Called Tadhana, English Only Please, and those Jadine TV series such as On The Wings of Love and ‘Til I Met You. Because let’s be honest, you may not like all of her works entirely, but the sure thing is if you watch one, you’ll always see something new and refreshing.

The whole idea of the film seemed fresh as what its marketing suggested. The stars of the film, Joshua Garcia and Julia Barretto, already starred together in another film called ‘Vince, Kath and James.’ But there’s still so much to see and people are still curious about them. I am so sure of the potential of their chemistry that I quickly ran to the theaters after work. No high expectations actually. I was just really interested to see how an expert love storyteller and a promising love team collaboration would turn out to be. It turned out to be a classic.

During the first part of the film, I thought it was just a common story I’ve seen before with boy-meets-girl-and-turns-out-one-of-them-is-terminally-sick-and-will-die kind of plot. But what I like about how the story was crafted is that the style of the filmmaker is very much present in the whole film. It was Jadaone telling A Walk to Remember and The Fault in Our Stars in a Before Sunrise style. She has proven she’s good at this storytelling style, in which there are two people doing things together and talking in just a short period of time, with her film That Thing Called Tadhana. I also love the fact that the story has a very strong Pinoy flavour in it with the whole family involvement and Filipino rural life detours. Tasted like home indeed.

The most utterly unforgettable and best scene of the film is that freakin’ dramatic bridge meltdown. It was Joshua blaming the world, God, his estranged father, his sickness and even Julia for all the pain he was feeling right at that moment. And there was Julia being pushed away by Joshua and probably finally realizing the difficulty of trying to give care and love for someone who doesn’t want it, just like what her family was experiencing with her. I do not relate with the things the characters were going through but with such acting from Julia and especially Joshua, you couldn’t help but feel what the characters were feeling. Julia has already come a long way from just being that girl with a pretty face and a famous family name; and this Joshua right now is far from that PBB guy who was only known for flirting. Because admit it, he got on your nerves back then.

So all throughout at the end, I was just there sitting alone in a dark cinema trying to stop the silent crying from becoming a loud sobbing. I never imagined a Star Cinema film could make me feel that way. It was a first and that says a lot.

I left the cinema feeling inspired as a filmmaker, a hopeless romantic and just a normal person with worries, pain and desire for happiness. I wish more films would make me feel that way. I wish more films would try to tell a simple story in a different way. I wish more actors will affect more people. I wish more filmmakers would always make good films. I wish and wish always the best for the Philippine cinema.

Thank you for a good watch. I’m ready for another one.

12 Practical Tips For TV Commercial Production Assistants

movie-film-video-production-ss-1920Hi reader! So you’re an aspiring film maker like me? And you are looking all over the web to know how to start off in this industry. Anywhere you go, it seems that everyone tells you that the best suggestion for this is always to get a job as a production assistant. It’s the famous starting point!

Well as you may and may not know, production assistants are not exclusive to film productions. These all around workers exist in film, television, commercial or any video production. Once you get a PA job in any of these video productions, it would not be that difficult to jump to any of the other types of production. There will be just some differences in the way you do things in each type but the skills you need are always the same.

In this article however, I shall discuss to you some really important tips that people may not tell you when you are a production assistant in a manner more specific to the process of TV or DIGITAL COMMERCIAL PRODUCTION. So here we go:

  1. Your phone is the most important thing in your life now

Always keep it around and always never go out of load! You would not want to experience an urgent matter at midnight where you have to contact people and not be able to find your phone or discover you do not have any load. Well lucky for you if you’re on a post-paid plan. If so, make sure to keep it that way. As a production assistant you’ll be responsible on relaying messages to almost everyone involved in the shoot; members of the production team, bosses, producers, admin staff, suppliers, caterers or any food establishment, and even service drivers! Be extra patient with service drivers, contacting them can really be a headache at times! Going to war without a gun is deadly, so take extra note of this!

  1. Taking down notes should be your hobby

Unless you’re a genius who remembers every single detail or information you receive then go ahead and don’t mind this tip but if you’re not, this is a must! Clients, the ad agency people and the producer all have different ideas and most of them quickly change their minds so if you won’t be able to take note of every changes then your preparations would be in ruins.

  1. It’s time to be a food lover

This may sound exciting because, well, to be honest there’s an abundance of food in this line of work. However, you’ll be the one to order and prepare everything. You should know the perfect food establishments or food providers where you can order for all kinds of meetings, for the shoot, for offline or online presentations and such. Know what your client and other bosses want to eat. Know the menu, services and prices of the food provider. Believe me, in this industry, if you serve good food, everyone will like you!

  1. Keep a document bag around

Don’t think you won’t deal with papers with this kind of job. Storyboards, pre-production agreements, call slip, attendance sheet, service request forms, requisition slips, liquidation sheets, and cash vouchers are just few of the papers you’d have to deal with. Dude, you’ve been warned!

  1. Liquidation sheet is the key to your pay slip

Unless you’re finish liquidating all your expenses, your full pay slip will be crawling its way to you so always make it a point to finish liquidating as early as you can. As I talk about expenses here, you should also budget the money of the project wisely. Remember, it’s not your money, so return whatever is left and better be extra careful and honest in the way you handle it.

  1. Save every contact

Every person you meet in this industry could help you with your future endeavors so always make it a point to save their contact numbers, emails or office addresses. Expanding your contacts will give you more options in choosing the people that could be best to work with in the future.

  1. Be a coffee-lover

Or if you can’t, take some Berocca during sleepless days. It’s like a vitamin tablet and you can get it in drugstores nearby. Trust me, coffee and Berocca could save you or if not, just steal some nap for goodness sake!

  1. Camera, Lights, Action!

Before the director could say that, of course you’d need cameras and lights, therefore, you need to book for those because it’s part of your job. Know the camera types and specs that you would need for the shoot. Be familiar with Arri Alexa cameras, Phantom, Weiss, Blackmagic, Red and the others. For lights, start getting to know Arrisun, CMC, Kino Lights, Xenon 1K-7K and such. Knowing these things will help you book/rent the right equipment and if the best option is not available, then you would always know some good alternatives as well. Anyway, DOPs and directors would also have their preferred equipment.

  1. Tick tock tick tock, mind the time!

Getting the job done on schedule is one of the best work attitude you could have. This is an extremely fast paced job so you would not want to be left behind. Be time conscious all the time, people are depending on it!

  1. Be a talk show host if you must

You don’t need to take this tip seriously if you’re not the type to but dude I’m telling you, being a good conversant will open doors for you. Of course, don’t do this during serious work hours. Find the right time to talk to people. It may be a client, an ad agency member, your producer or even the service drivers or caterers! Learn from people through this and also try to impart something to them. This will help you work easily with them and will be like building good relationships that could help your future in this career.

  1. Think ahead

You should always be ahead of everyone. Think whatever it is that you will need before people ask for it. During shoots, you should already be setting up the next scene even before everyone finishes shooting the current one. This will save a lot of time I swear.

  1. Take a dose of patience

Why buy water or make coffee for anyone? Why should I be opening doors for people? Why do I have to clean stuffs? These questions would often times cross your mind and will eventually make you pity yourself. Let’s be honest here, you will really experience these things as a PA but if this is really the career you want to pursue, be patient my friend, someday it will all just be funny memories!

Do you also have any experience as a PA? I want to hear it. Let me know by commenting there below! Thank you!

Paradise and My Wandering Soul

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Hi reader. I’m going to take you back four months ago when I was still a bum with some serious self-esteem problem. It’s good that I can actually write about it now since anyway time had passed already. Well, I can say that I am that kind of writer, I let a story develop and go through time first before I share it with anyone.

So going back, as I said, I had no job and I was in a state where I wanted to get away. I was burnt out for four years in college and I felt I needed to find inspiration first before I go through another few years of stress and hard work.

Honestly I did not know what I wanted to find and then I thought maybe I did not really want to find anything but instead, I wanted to get lost. The right opportunity came and there I went leaving everything behind.

A high school friend of my mom suddenly visited her and after a few conversations, I was already set to go with her to Polillo Island in Quezon province where she lives. Mom can’t go because of work and my siblings were too busy with some other things. It was a hasty decision but it was something I’m glad I did.

We departed the night after her visit and we rode a rented van to Real Port in Quezon where we rode a wooden passenger boat, “Lantsa,” to Polillo Island. It took us 3 hours to reach the port and during that time I can’t get to sleep with all the thoughts running in my mind. I felt nervous at first because it was the first time that I didn’t have a mother who will prepare all my travel needs for me or look after me. I also doubted if I will have fun since I didn’t have sisters or friends who I can share beautiful experiences. But I was still determined to be anywhere far from the busy life of the city.

We arrived at Real Port at 3 am but had to wait because the first travel of the boat to Polillo was at 5:30 am. On the boat, the film Around the World in 80 Days was being shown. It is about a London inventor who circumnavigated the world and engaged in an adventure that discovered the most exotic places in the world. The film brought up the exciting and adventurous vibe to my trip. I finally started to relax at that moment. The beautiful sunrise and the morning air that wildly blew my hair as our motorized boat went farther to the sea calmed my mind. That was more than enough to feel good.

After an hour, we were already in Polillo Island. Tita Myrna, my mom’s friend, is the cousin of the mayor of Polillo and so I had the privilege to live inside the house of the mayor for a week. Tita Myrna wants what’s best for me obviously. The mayor, Tita Cristina, has a resort and that’s also where her house is. I had the most comfortable and fun time there with all the fishing, kayaking, and seaside dinners that I had.

Tita Cristina and her family are really simple and down to earth. Their house looks like every normal house that you would see in Manila and they dress up like every normal resident of the island. I hope every politician in the country and their families could learn from the simplicity of the ones in small provinces and probably avoid using the people’s money on unnecessary things.

The islands in Polillo are mostly untouched which makes it a paradise for beach bums. White sands, large coral reefs, and the clear water are just some of the things you should expect when you get there. The allure of the island triggers a lot of story ideas for a writer like me. I was in awe to witness these heaven made places that it’s such a shame not to tell stories about it and share it with people. I hope modernization will never find out about places like this and will forever be a place for escape.

Burdeos, the town next to Polillo where we went island hopping, is just as pristine. Other than white sand beaches, there are also spectacular caves, underdeveloped waterfalls, mangrove forests, fish and bird sanctuaries and pearl farms resting on its islands.

Burdeos is an hour drive away from Polillo. It could have been shorter if the roads aren’t rough and bumpy. Anyway, we then arrived to Sabang Pier where island hoppers get boats and boatmen for their travel.

So our boat finally sailed to the islands of Burdeos. I imagined it like I will sail around the world and the islands will be like the continents. It was surreal. Our first destination was Pulong Buhangin. From a far, you would immediately recognize it with the coconut leaves that were put up to look like a resting area for visitors, though you could hardly rest under it. The islet disappears during high tide and looks really isolated from the others. I kind of felt at home at that small piece of land because just like it, I felt isolated from everyone at that time.

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Pulong Buhangin

The next destination is the famous Anilon Island. This island is a must for island hoppers in Burdeos because of the scenic tunnel-like cave that has a natural beauty of a panoramic perfect arch view. It also has a long coastline of golden beach sand and a wide plain of sea bed rocks that is home to rich aquatic life. We walked through a small forest before reaching the cave and I was quite surprised to see inhabitants and a few wooden houses in an isolated island like that. If the world gets really cruel, I think I would just live there too.

Anilon Island

We had lunch at a nearby island, Anawan. It’s just 30 minutes away from Anilon and you could actually still see the famous cave from there. Anawan is famous for its very fine white sand and it’s actually considered as the “Boracay of Burdeos.” But better be extra careful here because it is also believed to have snake inhabitants.

Anawan Island

After Anawan, it was a long boat ride to Malaguinoan Island Grotto. I took pleasure in watching the sea bed as the boat run through it. It is such an unbelievable thought that I was actually above a world where amazing species are living and along with a classical tune by Joe Hisaishi for one of Hayao Miyazaki’s films, I felt life was so magical right there and then. Did you ever felt grateful just to be able to open your eyes and marvel at such wonders?

Going back, Malaguinoan Island Grotto features the rock formation (stalagmite) that resembles the face of the Blessed Virgin Mary. It is the most visited site in the town during Lenten season. I just felt sad because some of its rock formations have vandalism. My name, “Kimberly,” was also written as a vandalism but I swear I had nothing to do with it. Why do people even touch things they do not own? Nature was never ours and it will never be ours.

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Malaguinoan Island

The last island is Binunbunan Island or what they also call, “The Burger Island.” It is a round shape island surrounded by golden sand. They say that it has the best swimming spot among the islands around. I took a walk on its long sandbar and took pleasure as the incoming high tide swallow it and at that moment, I wanted to swallow me as well, as I fear that my travel will end soon and I had to finally leave that place.

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Binunbunan Island

Anyway, island hopping was a success!

The night before I went back to Manila, Mayor Cristina was invited to a wedding and she tagged me along with her. It was really cool to see that this kind of wedding is still held today. It was like a fiesta. The festivity went with me to sleep until I woke up to pack my bags and head to the port.

The boat ride away from Polillo was more beautiful than the one going there. I stood on the deck at the back of the wooden passenger boat where you could see the whole Polillo and Burdeos Island while the sun is rising behind it. It was one of the most handsome sunrise I have ever seen in my life. It felt like a new beginning for me. Finally, the start of my adult life. The whole view was as if telling me, “Goodbye for now, I hope I made you happy. I hope I’ve given you joy and memories that could fuel you whenever life gets hard from now on. You’ve rested well, now go and do what you have to do, but come back the next time you have the chance. I’ll be here. Just forever here.”

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I send my love to that paradise and to all the other paradise I will discover next. I’ll work hard I promise until I have enough money to stay there forever.

 

 

Ikaw na Sumandal sa Akin

Oo, ikaw. Ikaw kuya na may glasses at naka-polo na white na mahimbing na natutulog at naka-sandal sa akin sa loob ng UV Express van pauwi ng Cavite. Ang payapa siguro ng araw mo no kaya ang payapa rin ng mukha mo habang natutulog sa balikat ko. Hindi naman ikaw ang unang tao at lalaki na sumandal sa akin habang bina-baybay ng barumbadong van driver ang ma-traffic na kalsada ng Maynila. Marami na kayo at sanay na ako. Pero kuya bakit ngayon pa. Bakit ngayong araw na to na para bang ang bigat-bigat ng mundo, dumagdag ka pa, edi wow. Kung gising ka lang, sana napansin mong iba ang tunog ng singhot ko, hindi yung tipong may sipon lang kundi singhot ng taong hirap sa kakaiyak.

Pag-tungtong pa lang ng van mapula na ang mga mata ko sa kakaiyak habang naglalakad papuntang terminal. Pasalamat na lang ako at gabi na at hindi bukas ang ilaw ng van kaya’t hindi mo siguro nakita ang malulungkot kong mga mata. Pero sana nga nakita mo na rin para naman nahiya kang sumandal at dumagdag sa aking pasanin di ba.

Siguro masaya ka ngayong araw na to? Pagod—-obviously, pero masaya. Siguro kaka-hire mo lang at yang magandang white polo mo ang nagdala. Ako rin may raket. Kahit freelance work to, feeling ko first job ko na rin to alam mo ba? Pero yun na nga ang problema, unang sabak ko to. Wala pa kong masyadong alam, inexperienced, baguhan at madalas nagmumukhang tatanga-tanga. Hindi ko naman sinasadayang ganon ang mangyari. I try my very best to avoid it. Pero ganon talaga eh pag bago sayo ang lahat. Sino ba ang hindi?

Ngayong araw lang akong umiyak nang ganito, pagbiyan mo na ako. Nawala ako sa comfort zone ko eh. Sobrang laking adjustment ang ginagawa ko. Alam mo ba yung adult world anxiety? Parang kelan lang ang secured ng buhay ko sa school knowing na marami akong masasandalan tulad ng pamilya, kaibigan at kahit na mga propesor. Pero sa real world, para kang sinabak sa arena na kahit tinuruan ka namang lumaban, hindi pa rin sapat dahil first time mo nga, hindi mo pa nasusubukan kung kaya mo ba talaga. Kala ko ang galing galing ko na nung nasa unibersidad ako. Kala ko isa ko sa mga kakaiba. Pero sa mas malaking mundo ng matatanda, isa ka lang bagong mukha na maraming akala. Bawat mali ko na nagawa sa trabaho ay naging dahilan para isara ng boss ko sa mukha ko ang pinto at yang mga mali na yan ang bagahe na dala ko pauwi ngayong gabi.

Sana wala kang dala-dalang kaparehong bitbitin. Pero mga ilang araw mula ngayon ganito rin ang magiging sitwasyon mo; parang tangang umiiyak sa loob ng madilim na van habang ang lahat ay payapang natutulog at malamang ay nasa alapaap na. Maari ring mali ako at mas mabigat pa ang problema mo sa akin ngayon at maaring mali rin ako na iyakan ang ganitong problema na kumpara sa problema ng iba ay mukhang butil lamang ng bigas. Pero hayaan mo na ako. Ngayon lang. Magiging okay din ako.

Kaya sige sumandal ka lang. Kaya ko naman siguro ang bigat. Hindi na rin naman ito siguro magtatagal, dahil ilang minuto na lang ay matatapos na ang byahe, bababa ako at bababa ka na. Matatapos din ang lahat.

To You Who Could’ve Been My Friend

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I’m sorry it has to come to this point where I needed to write everything I did not say and post it somewhere you may possibly never see. I’m sorry I did not try to catch up to you after that nice walk after school where you talked about Harry Potter with me. I’m sorry that I only like your posts and never comment and gush about it that could have end up to a chat. I’m sorry I pretended that I did not care every time you took notice of my posts on the other hand. I’m sorry I only tried to get to know you in a virtual world that both of us could’ve cross beyond.

I’m sorry that I did not show how much I wanted to be your friend. You’re smart, hippy and you appreciate people. I like what you like and imagine the conversations and emotions that could’ve existed and that could’ve brought us to another world if I just had the courage to tell you that. I’m sorry I was intimidated by you. I never look at you directly when you talk to me. I’m sorry I pretended that I did not see. I’m sorry I did not say hi when you passed by. I’m sorry I never complimented how you dress when you really nail it at times. I’m sorry I only let you borrow books a few times and never even asked what you think about it afterwards. I’m sorry I tried to skip watching that movie when I heard that you were going at the same time.

I’m sorry I always felt like I needed to compete with you. I’m sorry that I did not say that I try to do well in everything I do because I want you to compliment me every time. I’m sorry I seemed like I was always on the run when you’re there. I’m sorry I never calmed down and just stayed for a while. I’m sorry we never had adventures together. I’m sorry we were never Harry and Hermione, Charlie and Sam, Sherlock and Watson, Patrick and Pete, Han and Chewy, or Sam and Frodo.

I’m sorry I was afraid we could have gone beyond. I’m sorry I misjudged. I’m sorry I was scared of what we could have been. I’m sorry I only imagined this friendship. I’m sorry that we could’ve been great but we never were. I’m sorry I think that it is too late and I never want to make up for it anymore. I’m sorry I’m giving up before even starting. I’m sorry for finally putting an end to a non-existing beginning.

I’m sorry I say sorry too much. I never wanted to do anything that will make me say this. You don’t know how much I hate it whenever I have to. But for you and for the first and last time, I’ll say it.

I’m sorry, to you, who could’ve been my friend.